Struggling With Hope

Wrestling with my emotions, I wrote this shortly after my sister Rhonda went home to be with Jesus much too early:

My body sweats, soul shivers
Senses numb, spirit quivers
Eyes smile, heart aches
Walking strong, legs break

I look so good, feel so sad
I have so much, give so bad
I know so much, still can’t find
I see a rainbow, I’m color blind

I need to know, I need to feel
I need to find, I need to understand
I want to celebrate, I want to smile
I want to dance awhile
I want to feel love

The sun is bright, my body’s cold
Promises new, my faith is old
Past is clear, future hole
World stands still, spinning out of control

I love so much, nothing to give
I try so hard, tired to live
I cry so deep, no emotions to find
I run so fast, while I am getting behind

Can I live again?
Can I trust again?
Can I dream again?
Can I spread my wings and fly?

Many people, all alone
Pressing deadlines, postponed
Beautiful sounds, deaf ears
Echoing laughter, salty tears

I talk so much, people bemused
Search for meaning, more confused
Asked to be strong, silent fear
I am asking the same question……

I need to know, I need to feel
I need to find, I need to understand
I want to celebrate, I want to smile
I want to dance awhile
I want to feel love

Can I live again?
Can I trust again?
Can I dream again?
Can I spread my wings and fly?

Can I finish as I began
I am asking the same question……

“The Lord is there to rescue all who are discouraged and have given up hope.” Psalm 34:18 (CEV)

9 thoughts on “Struggling With Hope

  1. That was said so beautifully, I’ve felt that and i could not express the feelings, the fear and the hopelessness. sometimes i think you have to go through the heartache to really appreciate the joy. I know i have been so blessed. and again you brought me to tears, but good tears! i praise our God every day for being my hope and my reason to love life, even in all the ups and downs. He is always present . Thank you

    • How beautiful but how true. Your wording was right on target. The message says in Psalm 18 “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.” msg. How easy it is to lose that hope but glad God is there to bring that trust back. Again, what beautiful words from the heart. Rhonda would be proud. Mom

  2. Thanks Ken for being so honest with your feelings I am so thankful that we do have that HOPE. Mom and I are so blessed to have two sons, daughter-in-laws and grandkids to fill the holes left by the loss of Rhonda and Brenda but we will continue to miss them until we see them again.Thank God for that HOPE.Love you much, Dad

  3. This is why we are FOLLOWERS of Jesus. There are so many things that I don’t understand. I used to say, when I get to heaven I’m going to ask Jesus why He did this or that. I have come to the opinion that all of our questions that we are “saving for heaven” will not even enter our minds when we get there. We’ll be in HEAVEN!!! Heaven is like trying to describe Tahoe to someone who is blind, or the sound of a bird singing to someone who is deaf. I don’t think we can comprehend it. But I do look forward to reuniting with those that we have “temporarily” lost. Thanks for honestly sharing Ken. It is appreciated………….

    • Mikes Wilkes reminded me of the ultimate hope we live with…”Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” Revelation 21

  4. Thank you for your words. You totally understand Grace through it all, we can let it all hang out with our feelings and thoughts our Lord and Saviour knew before we speak it. Your honesty shows how real you are. I am loving your blogs. Love you little brother!
    Bill C

  5. I am struck with how much tragedy that you and Penny have lived through, while on the outside you look so “normal.” Which just points to the fact that as human beings our common denominator is suffering regardless of how “normal” we look. In the midst of your suffering you have both been able to keep a soft spirit, which is a testament to the Holy Spirit and His Hope. And so I am re-inspired to be sensitive to the bigger story beneath the society we live in, to respond with hope and a soft spirit to my own tragedies, and seek to offer hope to those arournd us.

    • As we serve the poor, feed the hungry and stand up for those who have no voice and are obedient to the words of Jesus who prayed “They Kingdom come, They will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.” I live not trying to understand everything but more importantly trusting and doing what Jesus told us to do, while holding on the words of the Apostle Paul who said,
      “Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely. Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.” 1 Corinthians 13

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